All My Blog's A Stage

SO it’s a Monday night and me and my Mom are driving around our town. Keep in mind that we live in a town for essential oil soccer moms and college kids where you don’t even have to go off campus to have fun and everyone just holes up in their dorms anyways, so there isn’t much for anyone over the age of like ten and under 35 to do. Anyways, we’re just out for fun when my mother looks at me and says “Do you want to get a spray tan?”

What?

“Uhhhh, no I’ll turn orange.” I laugh as she turns onto the main road into the big college-y part of town.

“Oh come on it’ll be fun! And you’re always saying how we never do anything fun.” Mom says. I now realize she’s serious.

“Fiiiine, why not.” I say kind on begrudgingly. I had heard horror stories of girls who’d turned bright reds and oranges like fall leaves after a suntan, but that’s always those blonde girls. Surely, it’ll just tan me, right?

We pull up to our local Suntan City where these two teenagers are working (btw they were so nice). It’s like 7:30 at nights so no one’s there except us and one or two other high schoolers. They have a wall of suntan lotions in these gorgeous bottles like they were the trophies that the old guy down the street has from when he was a rugby player in high school or whatever. I immediately had the overwhelming to get every single one even though they were tanning lotions for the beds and I wasn’t allowed to go in one because I’m a minor (not that I would I’m not risking skin cancer). This new girl gets us an entire account and stuff and then takes me back to room 25 which is a spray room with this huge red capsule thingy that looks like it came straight from The Matrix. She tells me all this stuff then is like “ok well get me if you need anything!” and presses a button on the inside of the capsule and leaves.

I’m not kidding when I say that button turned on an actual jet engine.

It was so loud and huge I crammed myself in a corner and internally screamed for a bit. I finally got used to it and calmed down enough to take my clothes and jewelry off and waited until it stopped to get inside. I pressed the same button the worker pressed and the machine booted up. It wasn’t as loud and it told me to put my feet on these numbers like it was a dang round of Friday Night Funkin’. This is the part where your girl here realizes she was so afraid of the loud noise she forgot to look at the chart of where to put your hands that is now across the room and too late for her dumb blind self to read. So I quickly summon all my memory and try to put my hands in the correct places.

After a humiliating experience of forgetting what to do with my arms, I redress and come out to where Mom is waiting for me. Overall cringe-worthy but kind of fun. I got the medium clear because I’m really tan next to my friends but also really pale at any time other than the dead of summer (#mixedkidproblems). So “clear” means it goes on clear and gets tan in 4-8 hours. I innocently go to bed thinking I’d wake up with a cool bronze.

I woke up the next morning, stretched, and sang about the dangers of overeating and greed in relation to a 10-year-old German boy.

RATING: 5 catnaps out of 10. Would go back maybe but only after mentally preparing for the machine boot up. If you’re have hypersensitivity to sound or cold sprays (like sanitizer spray and perfume) or have Autism I’d call a no-go unless you can really prepare for a helicopter simulation.

Tell me if you want more little posts like this OR you want me to do a post on getting ready for a spray tan!

Toodles!

-Kat